I Envy My Father

I envy my father. When I was born the doctor told him that he would have to wait in the lobby. He got the good news of my birth and that was it, he was a father. He had no say in the matter. He just sat there with his mouth shut waiting. Now, to become a father you have to ‘share’ in the birthing experience. Now, don’t think that I didn’t want to ‘share.’ I love my wife very much and when we went to the hospital I was anxious for her. I would do anything to get rid of her pain. She definitely had the harder job between the two of us. What most men don’t realize though is that the moment they enter the hospital they are walking a tightrope.

You see, when she gets to the hospital she’s already uncomfortable. Every five minutes she’s in pain and it is very likely that she’s feeling a touch embarrassed that water is leaking out of her and she can’t stop it. So when we got to the hospital with our first child it was with some excitement and a whole lot of naiveté. The first thing they do is verify you’re in labor. You may think this is a simple process, but if your water hasn’t broke, it could be false labor. They send you home and your wife has built herself up to have this baby NOW. Being a man the natural tendency is to tell your wife that the hospital is right, and isn’t it a good thing the doctors and nurses are doing their jobs so well? DO NOT FOLLOW THIS TENDENCY! Your job is to help your wife through the process AND survive until after the baby is born. When they send you home because it’s too early, you be just as indignant as she is. “That’s right honey, those stupid nurses don’t know a thing about you.”

So, when you finally get to the room, they start jabbing and poking your wife and covering her with straps and tubes. This gives them all the control. You won’t get it back until you leave the hospital after the baby is born. All the jabbing and poking doesn’t go very far for putting your wife into a better mood. But with our first child, my wife was very excited so I got to phone all the relatives to tell them we were at the hospital. With our first child everyone was so excited they all came right down to the hospital. While we were waiting for them to come they gave my wife a mild pain killer. It didn’t take any of the pain away it just got her buzzing. My clean wife, who has never had narcotics of any kind in her life, including alcohol, is buzzing. She hates it and is even more uncomfortable. So I put a movie into the hospital supplied VCR. I thought it would be a distraction that would take her mind off the pain. Nope, she’s hurting, buzzing, being poked and prodded, and now I’m trying to take the remote. We turned the movie off. I was glad when some family and friend showed up.

You would think that women would have some sort of innate connection that allows them to know just the right thing to do to help each other out. At first that seemed true. Kristine’s best friend showed up and started cracking jokes. That did help for a while, but Kris wasn’t in the mood for humor, she stopped laughing. Uh-oh, she must really be hurting. Even the dumb guy in the room can see that. Well her mom can tell too. So she sits by her and starts stroking her hand. Why is she doing that? I know my wife and I don’t think she’s gonna like that. Sure enough, after just a minute she pulls her hand away and tells her mom to stop. If her mom was smart like a guy she would have just backed off and given the woman space. Not mom though, this is her daughter and she doesn’t like seeing her hurt. So she takes a cool wash cloth and starts cooling my wife’s forehead. Hey, that’s a good idea. But then she decides to sooth her daughter by waxing poetic. She starts saying, “It’s a beautiful day outside, the wind is blowing, the palm trees are blowing in the breeze…”, “Mom … Shut up.” I’m glad my wife said it. I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to speak yet. We all had a good laugh and decided Kristine just needed some time concentrate on what was going on. My mother-in-law kept the wash cloth going that was a good idea. When my mother showed up I thought, “well, she’ll have some good advise, she had eight children, she knows what she’s doing.” So the first thing my mother says is, “Are you hurting?” What? Well duh. Next comes the clincher and she says, “Well, I hate to tell you sweetheart, but it just gets worse from here.” All my wife had to say was, “Mom...” My mom figured out the rest.

So now we’re all there, one big happy family. We’ve got me and my wife, my wife’s best friend, Susan, Kris’ sister, Becca, my sister, Coleen, and my wife’s mother in the room and both of my parents out in the hall trying hard not to put feet in their mouths. We’re having a little get together, just me and the girls. I’m trying to help my wife be comfortable so we all chat and laugh for two minutes and get serious for one while the contraction hits and passes. One minute out of three my wife just needs my attention. But I’m a guy who likes to joke. After a few jokes though I finally realize, she’s not laughing, so she didn’t say it but she thought it, “Pat...just shut up.”

The process has taken several hours, my wife got an epidural which we all thought would make things better; however, my wife is almost as tall as me. They miscalculated the dose and she ended up feeling everything. This didn’t help with her mood much. Now the pain is so frequent that we can’t joke very often without incurring certain wrath. It’s better just not to talk. When the nurses finally determine that Kristine is about ready to push they start reminding me to help her breath, I’m thinking, “I don’t think she really wants me to talk right now, are you sure?” The doctor comes in and he can talk at normal volume. She won’t get mad at him; he knows what he’s doing. I just hold her hand trying not to speak except to convince the nurses that I do know about the breathing. I kind of whisper, “Okay now, take a breath…” I hope the nurses heard me.

I’m not a macho man; I don’t try to hide my emotions normally. But I have to admit I was quite conflicted. Here I am in a room full of women and when the baby was born, I tried not to cry. I gave up after a few seconds. It is truly miraculous how birth happens. How the heck did he fit through there? That had to be worse than all the contractions combined. (I don’t say that out loud either.) The good news is that now that the baby is here, everyone can talk again. Kris’s mood changes completely and now everyone is happy.

My wife is very tough. Throughout this whole labor and delivery she doesn’t cry or scream. She just wanted everyone quiet and helping her out, a reasonable enough request. The girl in the next room was noisier than anything. I’m sure her husband wasn’t allowed to speak either.